Before I get to the rest of the story let me just say one thing... I am so ready to be caught up with my back stories because I have so many current things I want to blog about and it's killing me. ok. done.
SOOOO....Tristan and I went back to see Dr. Reue in February to see how my dear ovaries were doing. They did a sonogram and everything looked great. The fallopian tubes were straight and intact, and the ovaries looked very well healed already AND one of my ovaries had just ovulated a few days before! Dr. Reue seemed very pleased and so were we. He told us if we wanted to we could start trying again to get pregnant(I say again because we had started trying in October and things got postponed...for obvious reasons). He made sure to tell us the odds against us; Melissa you are almost 30 and fertility decreases, it takes the average couple at the very least 6 months to get pregnant, you just had surgery...etc.
We were very aware that it could take a long time and we were ok with that because we were both so grateful that it was even a possibility to still have children of our own. We left excited but with low expectations, just to be careful.
Well March 23rd rolled around and it was 3 days before I was suppose to start my period. I was feeling, "different" than I usually do at that time. Mostly I wasn't bloated, I hadn't broken out and I thought that was strange. I totally could have waited a few more days to take test but I just had this feeling. It was evening and Tristan, Heather and I were in the kitchen working on a sushi dinner I believe. Paul and Heidi were in town too but I think they were out running errands maybe? Anyway , I told Tris and Heather that I had to go to the bathroom. I would have brought Tristan with me but I didn't want to look suspicious.
I think I was pretty nervous. I had taken a lot of tests since we had been married but this was the first time I was actually nervous. It seemed like forever until anything showed up on the stick and even then I wasn't sure if what the stick said was true. A plus sign came up and my heart started racing, I grabbed the box out of the trash to make sure I was reading this right. I was in shock and just couldn't believe it I guess. Yeah, I had read it right. I was in shock and kind of just sat there for a moment dumbfounded with my heart racing and my mind going crazy. Was this really happening???
Yesterday, as Tristan and I were driving around town I was thinking about how I often have low expectations or try to have none at all with many things.....just to be SAFE. To guard my heart(which we are suppose to do). You know, it seems like the right thing to do. But I kept wondering what my Abba Father thought of that perspective I take. My Jehovah Jireh, God who provides. And I just kept hearing Him say "your ways are not My ways, trust Me."
Maybe the way I am about expectations makes me not trust Him? Maybe it makes me forget that His ways are not my ways? Maybe instead of trying to be a practical safe person who doesn't get her hopes dashed I should be a person who when faced with situations, events, and people issues that I could carry my heart away , I say, "Your ways are not my ways, I will trust You."
Growing up(mostly when I was a teen and starting to like boys) my mom always reminded me of Proverbs 4:23, "Above all else guard your heart for it is the well spring of life." I think in my fallen humanity I have applied the verse the wrong way all these years. I tried to be careful, to not get my hopes up, to not let my mind get away with me. To be careful with my expectations. All good things I guess. But isn't the best keeper of our heart the Lord? Maybe all this time I should have been giving my Jesus my heart, letting Him help me guard it. Remembering and living out that His ways are not my ways, and I just need to trust Him.